Queen Dairy
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  • "I've decided I would put my soul to slumber, quietly and eternally. So even now, this forest presents an unyielding rampart of briars, its thorns denying any entry from the outside. And it will probably continue to do so.. until the day of my eventual death."

    Emotional neglect/abuse can be incredibly insidious, very subtle, and have lasting effects that can hit you for so many years - without you even realizing it. Those people can be there for you your whole life, but it essentially happens when you try to open up honestly about the negative things in your heart which ail you, and you're essentially dismissed: "Get over yourself." When it comes from your family in particular, who you'd witness fighting and squabbling and try to ignore it, you get this message of being forced to toughen up, to "grow a thick skin," but what that really does is deaden your spirit inside, and worse, it makes negativity and hopelessness look appealing as a way to relieve the pain. A psychic medium told me a few years ago that my energy was just stuck a few inches from my body, as if trapped in a black hole.

    I confided my spiritual awakening, my heartbreak to my parents as my thoughts had been racing anxiously, hoping for a cathartic relief from having to stay silent on it. Instead, I ended up feeling like Agent Smith had jabbed his hand inside my brain, with that uncomfortable deadening, like I was trying to suck out air from a canister which only had CO2 in it. I was dismissed, told to "get over it" and worry more about securing a regular job before anything else, especially love.

    As I walked outside, hoping to find some escape from that air, again, I felt emotionally paralyzed. Like I had to solely rely on being able to argue and reason my way out of a Kafka-esque bureaucracy to be able to properly communicate. This was the norm for my "friendships" during my younger years, especially as they turned very toxic.. in one case, life-threatening. I sought so badly for an escape, for hope, for a rescuer, like Rose being trapped into marrying Cal in Titanic (1997), even while the negativity and sense of rejection I held for so long was like a giant forest of thorns which repelled people, left and right, while letting in toxic, unemphatic, self-serving people for company, or other wounded souls with the pretense of helping them to make myself feel better. As I suffocated feeling like I was going to drown in an endless winter, I was quietly looking for an answer for a question I didn't know how to formulate. A quiet desperation in the vacumn of space, where everywhere I'd go, there I was..

    This was why I'd always feel the most comfortable alone, longing for those childhood days where I would be enthralled by games, listening to music, or indulging in movies on the TV when I'm sick from school. The stories and sceneries carried a vibrancy which other people around me seemed to lack. Perhaps the reason I write is to one day, replace sadness, fear, hatred and anxiety with hope and tenderness, through a kiss..

    "There was a girl who lived on an island. Grown-ups bored and frightened her. She didn't like kids her age; they all pretended to be grown-ups too. So she always found herself alone with the cormorants, seagulls, and wild velveteen rabbits. She'd discovered a small beach far from town, with its crystal-clear waters and pink sand.

    "How she loved that spot. The colours of nature were so beautiful, and there was no noise. She'd leave only when the sun did too.

    "One morning, a sailing ship appeared. It wasn't like the usual toy boats that passed by. It was a real sailing ship. The kind that had braved the stormy seas all over the world, and who knows – maybe even beyond. Seen from afar, it was a splendid sight. But up close, it took on a mysterious air. There was no one aboard. It paused for a few minutes and then turned and sailed off as silently as it had come.

    "The girl was used to people's strange ways, so she wasn't surprised. But no sooner was she back on shore when she heard angelic singing.

    "One mystery is all right, but two are too many. Who was singing? The beach was deserted like always, but there was that voice, sometimes near, sometimes far. At one point, it seemed to come from the sea itself, or from an inlet among the rocks – the numerous rocks that she'd never realised were like flesh. And the voice was so sweet to hear."

    "Mama, who was singing?" her son asked.

    "Everything was singing.. Everything."