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  • This article is satire. I hate having to say this in an age where people are easily offended, but use your God-given common sense. Don't go out and physically attack people in real life.

    There are people - including schoolteachers and liberal educators - who eagerly bring kids over to drag queen events. Where guys, oh, I mean real wamen pole-dance, walk all funny in high heels, and twerk their thicc asses for all to see. Oh yes; a guy dressing up in makeup and wigs might be nice, and it's an ironic way of expressing one's femme side. With kids in the audience however, it is undeniable that the intent is to indoctrinate those young, impressionable minds into a sexually tolerant reality, where LGBTQ+ progressivism is heralded as the new normal and that anyone who is vocal against it is just a backwards bigot who needs to live in the now. (That means you, Mohammed.)

    Drag queen event with kids.
    Photo credit: Shutterstock

    Okey-dokey. Where liberals view this as valid freedom-of-expression, and conservatives becry moral outrage, I see an opportunity brimming with huge potential:

    The next time you happen to attend a drag queen event, and there's kids who have been brought into the foray by some rainbow-haired douche snowflake, you can convey a real message by going up to the cross-dressing dude who's under the spotlight, and..

    Kick them in the balls!

    Woman kicking man in balls.

    When a guy truly identifies as a girl, as drag queens clearly try to do, it means they are a girl. Kicks to a girl's groin mean next to nothing:

    So in a way, you are helping the LGBTQ+ movement weed out the non-believers. If a drag queen you've kicked in the balls doesn't double down in pain, you'll have proven that mere belief is enough for a man to possess a woman's poise, receiving a direct blow between the legs.

    Garden gnome on the toilet.
    "I'm sorry, fuck your mother." - Aiden, the Scots-Irish Gnome

    But what if the drag queen screams like a little bitch? Well, real men don't scream like bitches when it comes to pain, everybody knows that. But it also means that the drag queen isn't trying hard enough to feel like a woman.

    That's plain unforgivable.

    There's no room in life for anyone straddling the gender line - nobody loves a fifty-percenter who half-asses their duties, let alone picks the middle side in a conflict, and kids just have to be shown that the power of belief is undeniably absolute. (The Lord knows what happens to those who stray from devotion..)

    As penace for the drag queen's disturbing lack of faith, you can place down a garden gnome near their quivering body. Like a patron saint, he'll watch on with due reverant silence, while offering thoughts and prayers for the poor non-devout sissy.

    Gnome offering thoughts and prayers to drag queen.

    For added benefit, you can record the results of your efforts. When you autotune the drag queen's soulful, borderline orgasmic moans (they are quite the kinky bunch) into a beautiful, multi-million certified platinum song, you stand to make enough to settle the assault allegation out of court. Everybody wins: